Red, red wine…. and the Dark Thoughts

I love red wine. I love it’s rich amazing color and seeing it in the light shining into a big heavy round goblet. I love the sound of the cork. Then smell of the wet damp cork almost like visiting the moment in the vineyard where in some damp cave a bottle was sealed to create the magic of wine. I love the way it rolls on my tongue and into my throat and I get a feeling down my body. I love the complicated taste of good red wine along with french feta, steak, pasta, pate….cheeses….just about anything with my big bold red. But, I might have to break up with my red wine. You all know that I am a finger of scotch girl (see earlier blogpost). You see, red wine lulls me into a sopophoric state of bliss….and then I become….sleepy…and more sleepy and I’m afraid, quite boring.

I find I just want to leave, return to my home and bed and sleep. That’s all I want. Not love. Not sex. Not conversation. All that was in the first sip of red wine. But there is no one sip….there’s the glass. And there’s the rub. After the glass…kaput. I often find I am the worst conversationalist after red wine. I thought I was sexy and relaxed and interesting but that was the first sips.

And so I go home presumably to sleep. But no … red wine is my jealous lover. It wakes me up in the middle of the night with a jolt worse than french roast. And it says “oh no, lover…no more sleep for you.” And red wine means serious business when it sets out the rules. And then come what I call “the dark thoughts”. These I have learned pretty much only arrive with red wine. These are the thoughts that cycle through my head despite all attempts to control or rise above or watch them. This is what all meditation training tells me how to be warrior to and witness. And yet, no matter how much I focus on breath or any other technique I cannot stop the thoughts. “I am not a good enough person.”. “why did I say that to that person”. “am I raising my children correctly.” “what if something happens to my parent.” and so on and so forth. Thoughts of things I cannot change at 2 a.m. But that surely will make it so I cannot sleep. I turn on the light and I read until it is time pretty much to get up.

Remind me of that next time I want the red wine…in about 7 hours.

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